I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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