The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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