if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
