Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
