Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
