So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
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I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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