He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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