I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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