Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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