It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
