I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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