My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I intend to get homeless drunk
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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