i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
