Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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