i think my mom watched the whole time
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
