I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
