No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
