He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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