how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
