if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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