that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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