yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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