Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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