i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
