i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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