During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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