Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
