life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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