Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
