just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
