i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
