no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
