captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
