mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Do you have feelings for this penis?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
