Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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