I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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