i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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