if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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