Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
