Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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