we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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