I will die if light touches me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
