please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
