someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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