Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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