I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
