420 ftw
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
