I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
