you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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