She's JV to your varsity
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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