I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
