Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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