Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
