I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just pee around me
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
