i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
