the condom got lost in my hair
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
