If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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