we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
worst night to have a conscience
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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