I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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